I think I got the words and the breakthrough I needed to really be able to let go of the idea of dating Andrew.

Sorting out the world and life is tough aint it.

I had some rough emotional days, but its made me really stare at some things in my life.  And well, I saw some things. But well, I’m just tired of being upset and all the self examination.  I’m just in the mode now to push on and get a life.  And it will be fabulous.  Yes every last day wont be happy, but well, many may yet be!

I’m still processing things, but getting more along.  I’m stuck here now, very much in my own world.  I forced myself to go out and explore some, and in the wake of things I wonder if its ok just to be a romantic at heart.

I went out shopping today, and picked up the new Reba McEntire album, and it was inevitable I’d find a line or two that would speak right to me,  and this bit from, Consider Me Gone, kinda contains it,

If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
If i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we’re done.

He can stand to lose me, I must not get to the heart of him, he does not get drunk on a kiss from me, he would like to see if he can do better, any of these or more, but I guess I could not feel good being with someone merely going along with me, just not to hurt me.  He knew it, got bold, and well its does hurt, but I suppose it will hurt less moving on now, rather than later.

I have to admit it, but well, this is what I really am looking for, someone who wants me more than anyone else, someone who would feel that much for me, and I would in return, feel for them.  I tried to play like I could settle for less, and yes I still have to go out and meet people and be open to that, but what I am looking for, is someone to spend forever with.  I don’t think there is any shame in admitting it.  I’m a good, quality person, and I need to remember this, and go on, I will find him.  Its just not easy, but then loves true course never did run smooth.

Life just seems kinda hard today. My mind is split in understandings of things with Andrew.  Logic vs emotion of course.  Logic tells me everything rationally and I understand where things stand.  But emotionally, I’m kinda feeling like a temper tantrum 3 year old, stomping my feet and crying how things are not going my way, knowing they wont, not matter how I kick and cry.  I’m thinking a person in his 30s can override irrational emotions, and though my feeling are real, I need to get over it, and move forward. I just need a plan of action, and maybe the great healer of all, time.

I don’t have the time for the mental break down I so deserve, but I guess my migraine on Friday night to Saturday morning will count.  I felt insane for about 14 hours, and then took another day just to get back on track. Clearly an actual break down will not do, so I’ll take the healthier option, and go on vacation.   I’m really looking forward to this trip, even if it changed its flavor from romantic holiday, to friends on a train.   I can still have a good time, make some memories, and take something nice home.   Work has not been overly busy, but my mind still is taxed at times, and I just need a break away from it, or I will go crazy.

Scratch that previous entry, that’s HAD a boyfriend.

Guess we’ll just be friends now, not my choice arrangement, but there ya go.

Its been some time since I’ve bothered to look at Xanga.  I never thought I would get like this, but enter Facebook.  Status updates, and ease of photo uploads, and suddenly, I just dont have anything left for Xanga.

But the main difference is, with my status updates on FB, once it rolls off the page, it rolls out of my life.  Where for me, Xanga has been an online journal, somthing to read back a year or more later and review where my life has been.  I’d really like to get back to that.  If I could.  Though perhaps its time to move to another blog site?  We shall see.

My life is moving on, things are different.  I’ve got a boyfriend.  I like how things are developing.  Andrew and I are heading to Europe in a few weeks, France and Spain, and its going to be lovely.

I’m very excited about how things could develop over the next year and more, and at the same time it sometimes seems scary, and uncertain, that whole unknown future.  But, what choice to you have, todays become yesterdays, and the tomorrows the todays.  I’m embracing the nows, and enjoying them.  And for that, I suppose I’d like to write about it more, so I can look over my thoughts, when today is the new yesterday.  Anyhow, I’m rambling in my head, and nobody else cares, so I’ll stop here for now.

I’ve booked a trip with a friend, we are going to Paris, Provence, and to Barcelona in September. 
I’m very much looking forward to this trip.  Its the kind of trip I’ve had dreams of making real, and now it kinda looks to be happening!

I love Paris in the Fall!

So my church participates in the San Jose Gay Pride Parade.  I’m so glad I go to a church where it just makes sense to include all people, including the LGBT community.  We had such a positive energy, with such good people.  To think there are other churches that spend as much time, and certainly more money, trying to exclude us.   Thank God, there is some place that says, WELCOME!  and I’m glad one of those places is in Campbell.

www.campbellunited.org

It occurs to me, my day seemed like something Carrie Bradshaw would have had.

I got to bed by 6:30am.  I had to get up early, noon, to be downtown for a fabulous lunch with my boss, to celebrate my 10 years with the company.  mmmm AP Stumps, Hierloom Tomato Salad, Seared Ahi, and Creme Brulee.  I missed about 3 calls during lunch, all of which I had to scramble and answer once back in the garage leaving downtown. Planning dinner and going with a friend for a nipple piercing, and a show.

So back at home in the afternoon had coffee with a friend, and then we went to get his nipple pierced.  What fun looking over all the piercing options and jewelry.  Hmmm, pending how his healing goes, well I’ll leave it on my bucket list perhaps.

As soon as the piercing is done, off to dinner with friends, or so we thought.  We thought the piercing was going to take more time than it did, but we got in earlier, so our cancelled dinner, was resumed. But, only for us. A little pre dinner shopping, while we tried in vain to contact friends, no luck.  So I enjoyed my next fabulous meal of the day, some veggie cauliflour soup, which was wonderful, and a funky strawberry cheese walnut salad, which was good.

And from dinner, our next fabulous event, stage version of Chicago.  Which was also excellent. Velma was played perfectly.

I get home and find an invite to head out to a bar where a friend is working, but alas, I think I’m too tired now, Its been a busy and full day.  But like Carrie, I end it typing on my computer.  though I guess she would have done a better job.

Just to sum it up, a day breaking at noon, fine dining, piercings, and muscials. seemed like a sex and the city day.  Well it was just City, but a wonderful day all the same.  Cheers.

http://www.apstumps.com/
http://www.piercedout.com/
http://californiacafe.com/losgatos/index.php
http://www.saratogadramagroup.com/shows/chicago.html