March 16, 2010
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Depression Hurts,
I’ve somehow stumbled into a weird emotional state between the rainy winter months and a long stretch of working night shifts alone at home. It has made me feel incredibly isolated and shut away in the dark, irrelevant and unnoticed. The feelings of depression consume and overwhelm to the point of clouding out the good moments that still arise. Days that are worth smiling, it is still hard to find the real happiness and smile within me. My mind spins in self doubt, darkness abounds. Even as I write this, as the winter sun shines in my window, I’d just as well crawl back in bed. Its hard to find motivation and reason to crawl out of this emotional hibernation. BUT, just like a bulb buried in the fall, the lengthening and warming days seem to be calling. I know a new brighter season is coming. the time to emerge from the cold and the dark is coming. I feel covered and buried in the dirt, but look forward to days of new growth, emerging and blooming in the sun. Yes, other winters come, but now is the time to prepare to grow. Sunnier and warmer days are inevitable. It will happen!
To follow up what I had written, I would say we all know that some sunnier and warmer days have arrived. And like the trees, bulbs, and seeds that looked to have died through the the winters dark and cold, the new season draws me out. I’ve been heading outside to put my face in the sun, and breath the warmer air. The force of the season seems too powerful to ignore, I am compelled to emerge and grow into something new again. What I will be is not attainable instantly, just like the spring, little buds and flowers emerge, some days are warmer, some may still be a little chilly, with a shower yet. But the warmth and sun will prevail, and so shall I.
