Month: October 2009

  • Sometimes of late, it seems that time is speeding by, but my life is moving along painfully slow.  Another year passes, and I dont feel more accomplished, and developed.  I want more in life than I have, and opportunities dont seem to be knocking, so I am thinking, I must start looking for them, and even making some of them happen.  I kinda dont know what it all means for me, other than, I need to be in a whole different place in 5 years.  Where do I see myself exactly, not sure yet, but by this time next year, I hope to have a clearer idea.

  • I’d do a happy dance, but alas, I find myself at work this evening, and very much not into it.   I’m having Office Space Syndrome, of course it could be just a case of the Mondays?

  • I think I got the words and the breakthrough I needed to really be able to let go of the idea of dating Andrew.

    We were friends before dating, and well still are friends.  And chatting tonight, he told me he thinks of me as the gay little brother he never had ( he is 5 years older.)  And it hit me, that yes in some ways he is the older brother I never had, and a gay brother at that.  It hit me that I was not dumped, he does love me, just we did not know that the category best fit brotherhood, and to me it kinda transcends friends, I feel extra special, not dumped.  And it will make our shopping trip today to get new leather coats more fun, thinking of him as my new big brother, and not an ex. I think this is good.

    We do already look like brothers, and when people ask, we’ve usually responded, no, we are sisters.  But well, in some ways yes brothers too.

    Sorting out the world and life is tough aint it.

  • I had some rough emotional days, but its made me really stare at some things in my life.  And well, I saw some things. But well, I’m just tired of being upset and all the self examination.  I’m just in the mode now to push on and get a life.  And it will be fabulous.  Yes every last day wont be happy, but well, many may yet be!

  • I’m still processing things, but getting more along.  I’m stuck here now, very much in my own world.  I forced myself to go out and explore some, and in the wake of things I wonder if its ok just to be a romantic at heart.

    I went out shopping today, and picked up the new Reba McEntire album, and it was inevitable I’d find a line or two that would speak right to me,  and this bit from, Consider Me Gone, kinda contains it,

    If i’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose
    If i’m not that arrow to the heart of you
    If you don’t get drunk on my kiss
    If you think you can do better than this then i guess we’re done.

    He can stand to lose me, I must not get to the heart of him, he does not get drunk on a kiss from me, he would like to see if he can do better, any of these or more, but I guess I could not feel good being with someone merely going along with me, just not to hurt me.  He knew it, got bold, and well its does hurt, but I suppose it will hurt less moving on now, rather than later.

    I have to admit it, but well, this is what I really am looking for, someone who wants me more than anyone else, someone who would feel that much for me, and I would in return, feel for them.  I tried to play like I could settle for less, and yes I still have to go out and meet people and be open to that, but what I am looking for, is someone to spend forever with.  I don’t think there is any shame in admitting it.  I’m a good, quality person, and I need to remember this, and go on, I will find him.  Its just not easy, but then loves true course never did run smooth.