Ive not logged into this site forever!
But, I did buy the forever account back in 2004, so maybe I should look into getting back into my journaling.
I feel much better and recovered from my dark era in 2009 to 2010, and 2011 had been a pretty good year. I’m looking forward to closing the year with good things through the holidays, and starting a wonderful 2012 soon.
I’ve not updated in forever, and I”m kinda wondering if my xanga era has indeed passed. My journaling of the last year has been far too private to share online, and is written like a mad man in a journal in handwritting so messy only I can read it I’m sure. I sense sanity is on its way for the fall. My source of pain is leaving my life, moving away, and its going to be great to get the freedom I did not seem capable of finding on my own. My Catnip and Kryptonite all in one person, to take a line from Eat Pray Love. Ive been exposed to this kryptonite for too long, and its weakened me too much. I look forward to September, when this situation is changed. Till then, I endure.
I’ve somehow stumbled into a weird emotional state between the rainy winter months and a long stretch of working night shifts alone at home. It has made me feel incredibly isolated and shut away in the dark, irrelevant and unnoticed. The feelings of depression consume and overwhelm to the point of clouding out the good moments that still arise. Days that are worth smiling, it is still hard to find the real happiness and smile within me. My mind spins in self doubt, darkness abounds. Even as I write this, as the winter sun shines in my window, I’d just as well crawl back in bed. Its hard to find motivation and reason to crawl out of this emotional hibernation. BUT, just like a bulb buried in the fall, the lengthening and warming days seem to be calling. I know a new brighter season is coming. the time to emerge from the cold and the dark is coming. I feel covered and buried in the dirt, but look forward to days of new growth, emerging and blooming in the sun. Yes, other winters come, but now is the time to prepare to grow. Sunnier and warmer days are inevitable. It will happen!
To follow up what I had written, I would say we all know that some sunnier and warmer days have arrived. And like the trees, bulbs, and seeds that looked to have died through the the winters dark and cold, the new season draws me out. I’ve been heading outside to put my face in the sun, and breath the warmer air. The force of the season seems too powerful to ignore, I am compelled to emerge and grow into something new again. What I will be is not attainable instantly, just like the spring, little buds and flowers emerge, some days are warmer, some may still be a little chilly, with a shower yet. But the warmth and sun will prevail, and so shall I.
Middle of the night at work, and needing some comfort and peace I seem to find lacking in my soul of late. I decided to listen to some music on my iPod, and find an old favorite album; Mysteries of the Deep. It is a soundtrack from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, music you hear while in the Outter Bay Exhibit. Music inspired by the calm ebb and flow of the tide and waves.
I bought this album back in January 2001, visiting the aquarium with a friend, my first boyfriend I guess. We were kinda in a phase of parting ways by then, but that day still remains of my my favorite memories in life. It was a clear winter day, I believe it was Superbowl Sunday. So, to avoid the football mania of the day, we thought a trip to the aquarium would be a good way to spend this Sunday. Lunch at Bubba Gumps, stroll along Canery Row, and a long tour through the aquarium.
The outter bay exhibit was amazing and I found such calm in the deeper water blue light that filled the viewing room. I am always calmed in blue light. But the music, the sea creatures swiming with calm, and company of a friend, I was in a moment, if not, a day, of complete peace and comfort.
Everytime I listen to these tracks I drift back to that day, and how perfect it felt. I had some pictures from that day, but I seem to have long ago lost them. But my mind still recalls it very well.
I’m recalling it all now, and also thinking how much has changed since then, how much continues to change. All the people, the friends that have rolled in and out of my life since then. I feel like things are in flux right now, feeling the next shift in life, and needing some familiar comfort. More good days have come and gone, and more are yet to come, but for now, I need to cling to some of my memories, and know I’ve been really happy, and really at peace, and will again find all of this in days ahead.
I’m sure this is my final 2009 post, so to sum up, this year has been full of high notes, and some very low ones as well. A year I’ll never forget, for better and worse. I’m hoping to take what I’ve learned, and make 2010 a better year to the most I can help it. 2010, may you find me a better year, with more lasting joys. Though maybe this is all too much to ever ask.
I’m very glad to have lost 60 pounds, and now I see I must absolutely fight to keep it off, maybe even shave another 5-10 pounds if possible. Moving through the 30′s now, I know I must keep a little eye on my health, so I thought I physical was in order, and it was. My blood work shows I have a little bit too high blood pressure and blood sugars, hence, I am close to being pre-diabetic. Pre-pre-diabetic I guess. Basically, were I not to manage myself better over the next 10-15 years, I could easily develop type 2 diabetes. And well, since we have some diabetics in the family, well that would be just no fun to add me to the list. So, I’m glad to already be eating well, and keeping active, its just terribly important I keep it up. This is at least good to know now.
On the plus side, I don’t appear to have any STD’s! (TMI?)
Sometimes of late, it seems that time is speeding by, but my life is moving along painfully slow. Another year passes, and I dont feel more accomplished, and developed. I want more in life than I have, and opportunities dont seem to be knocking, so I am thinking, I must start looking for them, and even making some of them happen. I kinda dont know what it all means for me, other than, I need to be in a whole different place in 5 years. Where do I see myself exactly, not sure yet, but by this time next year, I hope to have a clearer idea.
