I'm in search of a hobby, something I can really get into, and spend time on.

I like the idea of something artistic, so I thought of starting with crayons and coloring books, just to get me moving into color and shapes.  In time I drop the pre drawn lines, and make my own images.

As inspiration grows, move to paint perhaps.

I want to feel compelled to do something, but mostly I lack any drive to be involved in anything.  Will I be forcing inspiration or will I be encouraging it to grow?

In any case, I think crayons could be good therapy for now?

House is warmed!

I had a cocktail house warming party on Sunday, and my small place was full!  I was glad to see how well my place could accommodate a gathering a friends, and everyone seems to be happy with my place, I did find a nice place to call home.  And I'm starting to identify it as home.

I hung some picture on the wall, and started to make my place look the part of "my home" It is helping.

Thinking a few minutes on my recent post, I recall feeling a little similar starting college.

I was very unsure, ready for failure, afraid, and wishing I still had time to wait in High School.

But I was at the place and time in life for college, so I had to day by day deal with it, some days were easy, some very rough, but in time, I earned a degree.  I did make it, even though there were days I was not so sure.

Hmm, whats the worst that could happen?  (I better not aks myself this, just live and be, deal as things are presented)

I'm totally stressing, pure anxiety, I'm totally uncomfortable in my home still.  Its like a camp out, Its a shelter, but still not my home. I suppose some of it is my work schedule being a little oppressive, so my house is only just functional, but not really set up fully.  As well there are lots of unknowns to be about being a home owner, all the what if, what then, where is, what happens, how much?  And "What did I do to my life, was I wise, was I ready, will I get screwed by this?"  Part of it is just my obsessively worrisome self, that I just cannot get past some times, and my fear of plumbing.  OK its the plumbing that really has me scared, I just worry about being in a water world nightmare one day, when pipes burst while I'm away, and the place being ruined, at my expense. and ultimately its about me worrying about being a failure.  BUT I should give myself more credit for doing this, its a big thing for anyone, especially alone.  I did not want to buy a place on my own, but as years went on, guess thats just how it was going to be. And today, how it is.

I try and remind myself, if anything happens, we will then deal with it, but it only comforts me for a second, and then my mind thinks of yet another, what if!!!  I think in my time off this week  I need to make my home look more like my home, hang some pictures on the wall, and get rid of more boxes.

I'm scarred, and also then a little embarrassed that I really do feel this way?  I should be happier?

This is so me some days! 

My home seems fine, I'm just having constant worry and anxiety over it, all the what if this and what if that. I need to relax and enjoy it more, but I just cannot seem to shake the fear of owning the home yet?  I'm gonna short circuit! 

DING DONG THE MOUSE IS DEAD!

!

well, at least one mouse.  I had a mouse in the house, and had to clean up and secure the building to make sure he could not return, as well strategically place traps everywhere.  I caugt a mouse outside, so I'm hoping that it was the mouse, he got stuck outside, and then fell into my trap.

I cannot live with mice.

I finally slept in my new home, ate breakfast, watched a movie, had coffee, and even lunch, so I am moved in. Though the home aspect is still in development. 

The sounds, light, and surroundings are all new and different, but I'll become accustomed in time, I would think?  I better, its my home now.

I AM 30 YEARS OLD NOW!

1977-2007

Hmm, what will be in the next 30 years?

2007-2037?

My last mortgage payment is due then!

June 01, 2037